Wednesday 25 March 2015

Can we care too much? A reflection of my first days on placement.

*obligatory pre placement selfie*
So, I've got my first day off since I started placement. I'm currently meant to be sat writing my assignment... yet here I am doing what I do best: procrastinating. I have so much whirring around my head right now that I thought I'd share it with you. I started my placement on Monday and what a couple of days it has been! I've been placed on a neurosurgical ward at a specialist Children's Hospital and I am loving it. The staff team are amazing, they are so supportive, kind and genuinely want to help my learning. I know it's early days but I truly believe that I couldn't of asked for more supportive mentors (and, actually, the whole staff team!.)

I started my placement with two weeks of Earlys and Lates thanks to occy health, this will 'ease' me into it. Hmmmm, thanks occy health! On Monday I rocked up to my early full of nerves, I was terrified! Excited, but terrified. I was shaking on the way but as soon as I got there, those feelings started to ease. They didn't diminish but they certainly got easier to handle. After handover, which I sat in and thought 'are they actually speaking the same language as me?!' we started the shift and... BOOM. The day was absolutely incredible, I learnt so much and actually felt like the team trusted me. It was surreal, I felt like a fraud wondering if they knew that I had about as much experience as the general public. Throughout the day I started to realise that I did have knowledge and although I had A LOT to learn, I was doubting my ability far too much. I'm a very hands on learner and had already told myself that I would take every opportunity. All I seemed to say all day was 'I've never done it on a real patient, but if you're happy to talk me through it, I'll give it a go.' This seemed to work best as I was very hands on and got to do so much on my first shift! At the end of my shift, I walked away exhausted, fell asleep for two hours and woke up buzzing realising that I had certainly entered the right profession.

Roll on my second shift... before I had even entered the hospital, I was covered in blood. Anyone that knows me personally, will realise that this is typical me! I had been walking into placement, enjoying the sun (well, actually getting a sweat on before shift in the midday sun!) and then spotted a man on the floor. I went up to the people around him, and quietly whispered that I was a student nurse and wondered whether they needed any help. I'm not going to lie, I was hoping they'd say no as this was completely alien to me. All I kept thinking was... I only know how to deal with children, this is an adult! Much to my shock, they asked for my help! Yes, me... little old Ellie, first year student nurse on her first ever placement! Anyway... half hour later, covered in blood from the mans head injury (that had somehow managed to not only go all down me, but also drip into my tunic in my bag!) I was on my way to shift. After getting into scrubs, yes they are comfy but how on earth people managed to stop the trousers falling down I will never know, I went into handover. Straight from there was to pick up a patient from theatre and my shift began. Again, lots of learning experiences, being very hands on and prompting a smile or too. I walked away from my shift having learnt a lot, however this time I wasn't quite sure that I was cut out to be a nurse.

Exhausted. That is the only way I can describe how I was feeling, not only physically but also mentally drained. After a call to my mum, dinner with a friend and numerous FaceTimes and phone calls, I was ready for bed. It was at this point that I realised I was taking my work home with me. I couldn't stop thinking about the man on the pavement, I couldn't stop thinking about one of my patients who I had particularly bonded with. They were constantly on my mind, this worried me... I had always been warned not to become emotionally attached to patients, yet I felt I was doing this already. I had varying responses from friends, obviously I didn't disclose any information, but I had said how I'd found it a struggle. Many praised me for stopping with the man and for being so caring, praise wasn't what I was looking for but it did confirm that I was doing something right. However, others told me that I was being too caring, I needed to harden up and some even said that I shouldn't of stopped!

Well, I've reflected on this all night, the little sleep that I did get last night was threaded with thoughts on my previous days. Yes, maybe I did care a lot but my question is: can you ever be too caring? It is emotionally draining to care and worry for your patients, yes it is difficult to separate it from your down time. I am hoping this will get easier with time. However, I wouldn't change this for the world. I may be exhausted and I may be finding it hard but this certainly mean that I'm not cut out to be a nurse. In fact, perhaps this will make me a good nurse. Would you want to be looked after by a nurse who doesn't care and doesn't give you a second thought? I wouldn't. I am trying to cling on to that excitement I felt before my first ever shift. And, in answer to my own question... I don't think we can ever care too much. In fact, this is a bold statement but... THE DAY I STOP CARING, WILL BE THE DAY I HANG MY TUNIC UP AND STOP BEING A NURSE.

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